My title, and my mood, come from the song of the same name (Wake Up Alone) by Amy Winehouse on her fantab 'new' album Back To Black. It is excellent, please do buy it. I have been - and still am - hooked on it. It was great because I even got to see her live at Porchester House just last Wednesday - for free! I won tickets somehow. I think she might be lucky for me or summat, because I won a poster of hers as well once. We had the most annoying couple behind us, but I will post on that later if I can be arsed.
Enough digression. Since I admitted to ---- that I have felt a bit attracted to A--- in the past (not something I was happy about, I tell you. Talk about WRONG WRONG WRONG!), we went through a seriously rickety period that was the worst in recent memory for a long time, and then - we survived. It felt like there was a lot at stake here, and there was really, because we've been together for almost four years now. We are actually pretty good now, and I can't help wondering almost if we needed this in some way. I'm not trying to prettify the whole affair, but was it some kind of Fated Intervention? It has made so much difference to everything.
Par exemple, it has reminded me strongly of why only ---- is THE man for me. No-one else loves me like he does. No-one else will sit there calmly and let me rant about my work. No-one else is going to teach me how to cook, mess about with PCs or about the law. Most importantly, no-one else will make me face up to myself - and tolerate my abject weirdness - like he does. He totally gets me (God, I know, that's so Californian teenager, I'm sorry). We have a tendency to feel too alike at times, and completely alien at others, but I'd like to think we'll get the balance right eventually.
I have subconsciously been doing that thing of trying to 'replace' him with A--- (that I did while he was away). Except that now the element of attraction that derived from them being similar is not there because my hormones are under control and we are much more stable. This time, I've been constantly harassing A--- to talk to me, and then when I do get the chance, I realise I don't actually want to. He is a very good friend of mine - I'd daresay he's become one of my closest friends, but don't let him find that out! However, no-one replaces ----. It's scary to realise how much you love and need someone. I was wasting loads of time yesterday and then I was talking to A--- at 10.00 p.m., wondering why I couldn't leave him alone when I didn't actually want to talk to him.
Bingo - because the man I DID want to talk to was sleeping. I called him at 9 o'clock and he woke up and spoke in his 'asleep' voice which is heart-rendingly sweet. I couldn't bear to ruin his sleep (he NEVER sleeps that early, so he must have been knackered right out), so I let him go. However, he was the one I wanted and the one I still want. Not A---, not S-----, not any of my friends... but him. I feel a bit bad sometimes, because I do like my friends, but the way I am just means I can spend a lot of time alone quite happily, and then factor in that S--- is way more important to me than anyone else, and you get a serial friend-neglector. I have to stop being a disorganised, dim-witted flake, and then I will be better at keeping in contact with people.
Well, that was quite therapeutic. Another post may be necessary!
To close, I'll just say that you really need to be careful about making subliminal associations. I already have the terrible tendency to connect random things, which makes me a good English student. However, yesterday for some reason I was looking up that girl Kaavya Viswanathan who is my age but slightly older, and then I looked up other high-profile plagiarism cases where top-university (sorry, college :-P) students have fallen from grace, such as Aleksey Vayner. The whole thing was quite interesting to me for many reasons, like 'Why on earth do these people do these things when they are at such a high-profile place of study?' and 'If they're so clever, why do they get caught, and caught doing dumbass things?'
This all came back to bite me on the behind when my younger Jij (brother-in-law), -----, rang up pretending to be someone from my uni saying they had reason to suspect I had taken quotes off the Internet for my essay on Moby-Dick. I fell for it (!), because:
a) I had actually written a bit about that at the start of my last essay, and
b) I was trying to find the chapter where the quote I wanted was, so I Googled it and then located it in chapter 46 (I think) in my Penguin Classics copy. I was just thinking 'But that's not wrong is it?!!'
c) I was on general dumbass setting yesterday. My parents would have destroyed every last remaining shred of my self-esteem after I had myself, had they known or even been here to know.
Oh well, all's O.K and I had better get the hell going to wash my hair and maybe go to 8 Til' Late so that I can get some plain chocolate biscuits and some soy sauce. Dinner tonight is going to be good!
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