So Much Goddamn Fear

Sorry I've been dead, o blog, I have had a good excuse. I name and shame it as two essays worth 50 and 60 % respectively. One was completed, along with its bibliography, today. The other will be significantly harder to get through, being a 4, 000-word 'project.' I feel now like there should be some pictures scanned in, or something.

But yes, the 50% essay remains. There is a lot of reading to do for it, since it is a research project, and I do not have the strength just now. I know I should - I keep doing less than I should, and feeling mad at myself for it. But I really, really can't face hours of reading critical texts endlessly. I'm a bit worried that I'm going to underperform again today, but I just can't handle it right now.The thing that was bugging me just now was how fucking afraid people are, especially as they get older. Why the fuck are we so ashamed of being honest about our feelings? It feels like there is no way to get any kind of balance - people either repress everything, or they overshare. Some would probably put me in the second category since I can be incredibly candid at times, but I say NO. I don't tell everyone every little detail of my life that ever happens.

I was just reading Kill Your Boyfriend, and then just a few minutes ago, my parents were discussing the marriage of Arun Nayer and Liz Hurley, which prompted this. My dad was saying how they could end up in jail over their wedding, and I went 'Yeah, I know. I can't believe they want to arrest them for kissing in front of the cameras. So bloody backwards-minded.' I have to admit, I found it a bit funny at first, in a Schadenfreude way... until I got to that bit. Then, I got angry. 'They have insulted our traditions.' Well, FUCK your traditions. Aren't you the lot who invented the Kama Sutra? Have you not had children? Hmmm... how did you know not to stick it in her EAR, with that great level of enlightenment you're showing?My parents were talking about it, and my dad (my mum too, I suppose) couldn't even fucking say the word 'kissing.' He didn't talk about that litle tidbit at all. My mum snarkily wondered aloud if their marriage would even last ('look at Jemima Khan...'). This was preceded by them talking about how if you want to marry a Muslim, 'first thing is convert. That's what happens if you get involved with a Muslim. You might as well die.'Oh, they're wonderful, aren't they? Just another fucking Indian couple mindlessly following tradition by being totally fucking irrationally able to handle the existence of sex and any form of sexuality. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE FOUR CHILDREN. And this. Don't you just fucking love it?!