Well, I've thought about this for a while and some invisible thread always held me back. Tonight though, I realised something. I have problems, problems that nobody else can really deal with. Other people's sympathy is finite. God just isn't coming through for me like you might've hoped. This may not come as a surprise to you all (I say 'all' but hopefully all but the most devoted reader have scarpered), but I think I have depression.
I don't know whether it's always been so, but I think this year (trans: 2008-9) has definitely changed me in a way that I'm often struggling to deal with. Whether or not I'm bipolar, I certainly have issues that need to be dealt with, sooner rather than later.
I had a sort of mini-meltdown that came out of nowhere today, and I suspect, had a lot to do with my not having had enough sleep. That didn't mean I could discount it, though. It blindsided me and then sat on my chest for the evening, leading me to sink into a growing nebula of anxiety about everything. The Libertarian called me because I texted him, but his words offered scant comfort. In Jack London's book John Barleycorn, he deals (semi-autobiographically) with his experiences with alcohol and what appear to be alcohol addiction. The dangerous thing about JB, he writes (JB being the personification of alcohol) is that he brings on the 'white logic,' a crystallisation of the mind where one sees the futility and meaninglessness of life, which drives one towards suicide. During one such episode with JB, he even casts himself into the sea (I think), but then eventually 'comes to' and decides that actually, he does want to live.
I have those moments, but without the alcohol. I want to cry. I hate myself and I hate others, even those who are trying to help (like TL), because they cannot provide solutions. It's really not TL's fault - how is he supposed to know what to do? - but sometimes the gulf between us seems so gaping and profound that it terrifies me. As Nietzsche once said 'if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.' When you get on with somebody so well most of the time, suddenly looking up and finding that there is a sort of glass barrier between you is somewhat demoralising. Horrible questions uncurl themselves then in my mind. Are you two really so good? they ask me. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone more like yourself? To this, I can shake my head vigorously; no, I know that if anything that's worse, because you have to take it in turns to be unhappy, and that's surely not natural. Should you be with somebody so different? Should you be with anyone at all?
I really do wonder sometimes if I am going about things the right way. I'm reclaiming Get There Steppin' as my blog. If my readers want to stay, then you're welcome to, but I think I need to go back to thrashing out my problems where I feel at home. A home, a safe space, is something I have always wanted - but not a prison. I tried doing things the 'trad' way and having a private blog, but it felt like a sort of mental cell. I don't want to be on my own all the time - it's myself that I'm trying to get away from! It feels too much like an extension of the double life of my adolescence, when I had to hide my real self away all the time as though I were ashamed. Yet I'm not. Sure, I probably need to see a doctor and sharpish, but in the meantime, I'm back. I'll understand if readers disappear, but I need to do this, lest I end up one day disappearing myself. So yeah, hello. Or should that be, goodbye?
3 comments:
Well, I can relate with these problems. I'm bipolar and currently in a down period. I've also suffered from suicidal thoughts for a while and those are always fun lol.
Having been brought up in a fundamentalist Christian atmosphere, these problems are ignored and suppressed. Or better yet, in a very Martin Luther-esque fashion, blamed on the devil. Thereby doing what the fundies always do, shift the blame onto the person (you must be doing something wrong or God wouldn't let the devil do that to you....REPENT!). How fucked up is that?
I would highly recommend seeing a doctor. I have to take a lot of medication to help cope with my problems but that is a double edged sword because in the process of alleviating some of the suffering it can rob you of your identity. Since you are obviously a lively person, it would be a shame to lose that but there are certainly lower doses which can help with the problems without really effecting that very much.
If you have any questions about something that you don't want in the open you can send me an e-mail. Unfortunately I have a lot of experience with psychiatrists and medication and all that lovely stuff.
Don't diagnose yourself. It can, believe it or not, become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm no expert on depression, but I know that the clinical treatments are only meant to be there to get you through the day and solving the root of the problem is left to you.
Sometimes I feel like it gets on top of me too, and I feel very different from my partner culturally. A man from a Western culture will never really know what it's like for women from Eastern traditions. Don't look to your partner as a saving grace, but as a companion on this weary journey of life, with all his own worries and insecurities. In other words, he's doing his job, and you're lucky to have him. Don't let this personal crisis ruin what you have.
And please do keep writing. For us, and most importantly, for you.
Derek - thank you, that is so kind of you! In some ways, the atmosphere you grew up in sounds rather similar to the one I grew up in.
And thank you too, Ala - that's good advice. I don't look to TL as a saviour (I've learnt from experience not to do that!) but I forget sometimes that writing is more therapeutic for me than talking about things. Well, I'll try to remember that now.
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