Today, I realised something. I am sick of being second best. Once I realised that, I sought out a relationship where I wouldn't have to be second best for once.
You know what? I found it, and not even where I was expecting.
I (stupidly) thought that my partner would be the one to provide it, but that is total bull. My family are right - nobody has to put you first, other than your family, because everyone else has automatically got that all-important Number 1 position filled already. Who's filling it? Themselves, of course.
That's where I have gone horribly, horribly wrong. The importance of value and self-sacrifice are deeply imprinted in me. That doesn't mean I'm some charity hero or anything, but it means that I am somebody who can - and WILL - be flexible and adaptable for my partner. Unless there's something absolutely, incontrovertibly unchangeable (like, I have to work or be at university), I will try to be there. I'm so fucking idealistic I will drop it all to 'be there.' Hence the terrible guilt I went through when my young cousin died, and I wasn't there to help my cousin with her grief, even slightly.
Other than friends, though, who will give up their time to you to some extent (and even then you need to have more than one good friend, because no one person can always be there), THERE. IS. NOBODY.
The folly of society's fetishising of monogamy is suddenly even clearer than it was before. My new motto is 'Put it on the backburner.' No more dreaming about marriage and children. I have emotional problems, and quite frankly, ain't nobody having that much power over me.
My cousin has never made a point of saying she loves me, but then again she has also never effectively told me to go fuck myself. Never made out that I was wasting her precious time. Never has she LIED to me and made me feel like I was more important than I really was.
That is love. Being totally honest with someone else. In relationships, hormones cloud our judgement and we say things we don't necessarily mean. Like 'I will always try to be there for you.'
So, to complete the circle, the only people I can really rely on are my family. But wait... oh dear, I'm pretty fucked, aren't I? While having a thoroughly painful cry on the sofa, I imagined myself before my parents. I imagined begging them to love me the most for once, just once, please. I would beg forgiveness for being 'wrong.' I would grasp my mother's hand and tell her that I didn't want life to feel like a burden any more. I didn't want to have any more days where I wondered if I could get the courage to hurt myself.
I could imagine her recoiling. I could imagine their shock, their incredulity. Their inability to comprehend my pain when they had 'given me everything.' I would tell them that I have depression and they would tell me I was sick. That I was mental. As they did of an Indian cousin's wife, who also has depression. As my dad did of some other unknown woman at the gurdwara.
The thought of it made me cry harder still and feel very, acutely, alone. Just typing it now made me cry some more. They are right, I am sick. I don't know how I should treat it. I don't feel like I can put faith in romantic relationships like I used to. That's not to say that I'm perfect and no-one's my equal - far from it. I am so emotionally messed up that dreams of marriage and so forth are just that - dreams. Delusions. Better that I realised it sooner rather than later.
3 comments:
My little bundle of joy is going to be five in several days time. The first thing that we do when we sit for supper is ask her all about her day - what she enjoyed, etc.
I've observed that in most Indian subcontinent families men's voices take precedence over women's.
I know some people who have stable relationships without marriage, e.g., one friend's got two kids with 20 years worth of being together (and that's a mixed one to boot).
I wish that people would obsess less about marriage and give each other more mutually engaging time.
It's good that you are sharing this with us. I hope you overcome your depression. If your parents matter to you, it might help to communicate something of how you feel.
Why do you say you can only rely on your family? Your family are just one piece in the intricate jigsaw of human relationships. If all I had was my family, I would never have gone my own way. No, first and foremost you have YOU, then your best friends/partners/close family. Then the rest of humanity who are no less alone than you. But we can be alone together, and somehow that makes it all worthwhile.
Muhamad:
I've long hoped that there might come a day when I could communicate my feelings to my parents, but I really can't. My mum is pretty much incapable of listening. Just when you think you've got through to her, she'll flip like a weathervane right back to her previous position. My dad agrees with her on most things (and not out of desire for a quiet life either, sadly).
Ala:
I am going to put a post up now explaining the sorts of comments I make in these posts...
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