Stuck To It!

(Note: I posted this yesterday, but due to some weirdness, I had to delete and re-post it today).

Yes, I am actually here as I said I would be! Don't think it's just you that's thrilled with my attendance - I'd love to be less of a flake, less forgetful and overly emotional, but now especially I can't help it (lack of sleep... TOM... as mentioned yesterday).

I am in a very strange place at the moment. I'll start from the beginning: on the 28th of August (nearly a fortnight ago), S------- headed off to Groningen in Holland for 6 months. I knew that I was going to find it hard to cope without him, whether it came sooner or later. So, to try and 'prep' myself, I worked myself up a bit the night before after doing the washing-up (kitchen TABLE drama, HAHA) by listening to weepies. Ambulance by TV On The Radio and Prototype by André 3000 tend to do the biz when I need them to. I cried, I purged, I was trying to remove the irritation before it happened.

Now, that sums it up, really - I was obviously going to have to suffer anyway. Last week, I got my dues. Everything went wrong - stress over uni work that I still haven't done, a strong sense of isolation, bodily woes, lack of sleep, fights with my family - it didn't take much to make me cry. S------ kept saying he would talk to me. I was feeling suicidal because it didn't seem like things were going to get better anytime soon. The lack of sleep was chronic - it made everything much, much worse and magnified my emotions by, like, 50. Obviously, because he was busy going out with his friends and settling in and whatever, he let me down 3 times in a row. So I got to hating him. The mere mention or thought of his name could make my throat lock, then lead to me bursting out crying before feeling intensely nauseous. It made me rather depressed to realise that I should expect him to break, rather than keep, his promises. I remember saying (probably to my cousin) that my heart was broken. And it was, because I felt that he’d lied to me.

Thus, I sent the following email to him, titled ‘Enough’:

‘I don't want to talk to you on Skype. I'm not going to make any arrangements or promises, and I don't expect you to either. Stop telling me you'll talk to me this day or that evening, because you can't stick to it.’

… and changed my MSN name to “Love? What the fuck is that shit? DON’T DO IT, KIDS!” Upon taking note of these two things, he rang me while I was in bed. I was obviously rather disgruntled with him. He asked what he’d done wrong, and then I started crying and told him. He felt incredibly guilty and then cried a bit too. We fixed it, though.

Today, however, I made him cry by being a bit cold, indifferent and ambivalent. I couldn’t help it, though - I felt like he was too busy to email or text me, when it turned out he hadn’t been doing ANYTHING at all. Obviously that pissed me off, and what with TOM being around, I was getting that horrible ambivalence towards him, where I just don’t feel able to relate and get over myself. We fixed it – again. It’s not good though, and this blog post will help remind me of how I need to be more mature and selfless. Fuck the rest of the world – ultimately it’s only him that matters, I never loved anyone else as much and as eagerly. DEFFOS not my family. Speaking of that, The Boy is hassling me, so time to go and ensure this blog remains uninvestigated by him. More self-serving noodle served up soon ;-P.

P.S.: Lily Allen is SO GREAT. She really is. I have totally fallen in love with her album. I think it actually deserves FIVE STARS! However, American thick people (I'm assuming they're American by the way they've managed to somehow miss the fact that she has a London accent) have transcribed her lyrics rather shittily, leading to me having to correct at least 3 of her songs - after all, I had to go by those and they don't even make sense in places! Sample:

'And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,'

(from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lilyallen/everythingsjustwonderful.html
Obviously the lyrics websites all just copy off of each other, so they've ALL got them wrong).

What the fuck?! It's NOT insincere? Why, then, would she be complaining?! I ask you, honestly. It's things like that that just made me think go on my little GeekMission(TM)...