Must work...

Written yesterday.

This is a kind of combination email / blog post. I am so knackered today, it's awful. It's that horrible, misty kind of tiredness when you have so much to do, and you want to do it, and yet you can't. What I need, above all else, is sleep. I can't help feeling that if I had got home early, as planned, and had a nap, I might feel more inclined. What I do feel like doing now is curling up with Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (which arrived 2 days ago - at last!), and then sleeping at about 11. That would mean having no dinner, but that might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how my stomach is distinctly paunchier than it was (and I have been noticing it, big-time).

I need to say something here, because this is my blog. I regret buying those cropped cardigans off ASOS. I do regret it. Everyone telling me they don't like them doesn't help. They don't always look so bad, but they're too big, and they just make me look fat and lumpy-breasted, rather than sculpting my chest the way Kirsten's do (unless she just has the one? I don't know...). It doesn't help that the one I wear the most is mustard yellow - and of course, light colours make you look bigger. I generally try to avoid wearing anything very light on top - 'pale' is always a disaster - but sometimes it's not possible! That colour is great, and I've had no luck finding any other cardis in that shade. So I'm stuck with it for now. The dark brown one, though boring, at least has the advantage of looking smaller because it's dark. I'm not a huge fan of my uber-pale pink cardigan either but again, it's one of those 'go-with-everything' colours and I'm pretty limited out here in -----.

God, I can't believe I've just moaned extensively about cardigans. Still, we all need to vent a little, and that's something I can feel 'spafe' about. Spatially safe - which is kind of retarded, because I mean I feel safe moaning about it because it's an issue can put aside for a long time. That therefore makes it about time rather space. Substitute with 'stafe.'

This is what happens when I talk to myself - I rave on about cardigans and space VS time. Christ. OK, I'll try to be constructive, and make a list of what I need to do this week:

1) Email Dr McMorran about my YA plan, asking how it's meant to be done, if there is any kind of regulation for it.

2) Email out surveys to people - my family included - and start collecting, reading and collating the responses people give me. Instead of getting about 10 'French' responses and 10 'English,' I'll just send out as many poss. The more responses I have, the better. Besides, I can, for the time being, advance on the grounds that the first wave of responses seems to be confirming what I think more or less so far. French people are much more incumbent on TV and radio than we are (we tend to be more paper & Internet-oriented). This is interesting because it suggests that we are more visually-oriented than they are, and certainly, the English language is more visual. Chance for cultural commentary here! They are definitely still closer to the Middle Ages and oral culture than we are, especially when you consider how much Middle Ages / Renaissance literature features on literature courses here.

3) Sweep my room

4) Wipe the:

- sink

- kitchen table

- desk

- bathroom sink

5) Mop the floor.

6) Work on my relationship. Fundamentally, nothing has changed about ---- for me. I love him, he loves me, it's beautiful, blah blah blah. I am right now listening to Fugitive Motel by Elbow. I have listened to this and thought of him many a time, but it holds more relevance than ever, seeing as how I am in another country. So here goes:

Oi - you. Yes, YOU. YOU reading this right now. I am thinking about you. The little soft hairs at the nape of your neck (that I have too). Your big, brown, trusting eyes that are fringed with long, long lashes. I would say you've got a dog's eyes, but there's a terrible knowledge in there that a dog's could never have. I look in them, and I am pinned harder than a butterfly on a botanist's wall. It might not have as intense a physical effect as it did, but I still feel love for you when I look at you, and when other things aren't hampering me and making everything harder than it should be. I know I'm still in love with you rather than just loving you - my greatest fear is when I get to the point when it's but the latter. I know because I still want to be your wife. I know because the thought of you standing by and letting me be with another man makes me feel a strange mix of anger and grief, though mostly anger. Why that turn of phrase, though? Because I would never let myself be with anyone else. (I would be severely tempted, were Wylie Times to propose to me, but that's so impossible that we will now forget I just said and laugh instead... ! But seriously - GET IT ON WITH DIZZY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU'RE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE, I CAN'T STAND IT). Anyway, to return from that random tangent, you're still who I run off into the sunset with in my head. This year is testing us big-time, because I'm growing as a person, while you are being put under pressure and restrictions. But I'm just telling you, this is my attempt not to lose sight of what's important: us. We have had many a stupid fight recently, and the distance has been very damaging (among other things).

BIG HUG. I love you. Hurry up and start watching Heroes, so that we can geek out together, and I don't have to turn to A--. In all honesty I don't mind hearing about The Wire, but I get impatient and jealous when you go into raptures, and the temptation to go on Wikipedia and read all the storylines becomes dangerously seductive. I am going to listen to that !!! song later. The Internet here is not working (ha!), so I am going to post this tomorrow sometime, in the afternoon methinks.

And here's a big kiss for you. I really miss you physically. You've seen how much difference your being physically present makes - it's actually even a little dangerous, because I can relax TOO much. I feel so safe, I feel like an adventurer from a fictional world climbing inside the crooked elbow of a sheltered cave, safe but not bored, comfortable without being confined. OMG, this is brilliant, I may yet be able to return to the glorious descriptiveness of my younger days! I will speak to you soon.

Love, to you, and to myself (note to me: you needs to be kidnapped by a loving soul and pampered for days on end, so you can relax, sleep properly and get back on form!)

..... MWAH MWAH MWAH