How depressing to see that despite all the hopeful eye-widening about Playboy being published in Indonesia, it has been taken as a prompt excuse for hardliners to attack it and the offices of its staff. I watched the footage of people throwing rocks at the windows, and listened to the reports of all the staff having deserted the building, thinking: Damn, what did Playboy ever do to you? It’s just a magazine! Maybe that is the problem… sex has become way too limited for these people. It’s about as fun as breathing: essential to live, but you shouldn’t think about it too hard, and you should definitely not enjoy it. Looks like morbidists (is it a word? No? So?), and extremists have something in common… Still, at least the editor is defiantly refusing to stop publication (you GO!) and the first edition sold out. Take that, you would-be-hand-holding-banning-extremists! Did anyone else just get confused by what I wrote…? Lol.
I was here going to launch a rant against the media and the current situation(s) with the NHS, but I no longer have the strength for it. That first paragraph was actually meant to be posted quite some time ago – with an appropriately-timed post of course. Instead it is time for some personal whines. I hate being bitter and / or uncertain about my feelings. My bf told me that he can’t see me until the 2nd. I tried to coax him round, and he just went “No,” straight out. For some reason, I was unable to prevent this from souring my mood. I pretended like I was fine with it, and texted saying that I would see him in a month’s time. Later I sent him a highly immature text, and then a just plain vindictive one, telling him I hated him.
And now what? I know I’m supposed to ring him, and apologise, but frankly, I don’t want to. I’m supposed to be past the point where my pride presents a problem, but I’m not. Maybe it’s just an equality thing; I can’t help thinking where he gets off telling me what to do. Why can’t I throw my weight around? But yes, you say; when I tried to, he just accepted it, making a dig about how my being mad wasn’t going to get a rise out of him. I couldn’t help thinking: Well, excuse me, when did I start dating a brick wall?! I am, like most people of a vaguely creative persuasion, having that problem where reconciling reality and the ideal becomes a real nuisance. Part of you thinks “I shouldn’t have to put up with this. I deserve better!” The other (larger) part of you thinks: “This is a compromise. Why are you being ridiculous? How selfish is it to fly into a tantrum with someone because they want time to revise for their exams? This isn’t even a real flaw, and you should be appreciative of what you have: an amazing, intelligent, funny fella who COOKS.”
So tell me, why does that not cut the mustard for me? WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?! Why can’t I let this go, and agree that he needs his revision time, and I mine? Well, there are actually several reasons for that...
1) I have really bad insomnia at the moment. I can’t remember when it started, but it was on and off before that anyway. I’m not sure when I slept last night, but when I checked my progress (how long have I been bored stiff and unbearably awake? OH, IT’S 4 A.M.! So that’ll be 19-and-a-half hours then…), it wasn’t looking good. I don’t think I slept after that either.
2) There is NOTHING to eat in the house. I mean, literally nothing. The other day, do you know what we had for lunch? Pasta made with a watered-down ready-made sauce (which wouldn’t even have been there if it hadn’t been for my foresight several months earlier) with grilled tofu, fake chicken pieces and kidney beans. The sauce was tomato and had mushrooms in it. Mmmm! Doesn’t it sound fantastic! If that was all we were eating, I swear to God I would have chucked it on the roof, just like I used to do with my cheese-and-mango-chutney sandwiches in primary school.
3) A combination of the two has made me feel extremely witless and unable to concentrate. My exams are two weeks away and I cannot focus at all. I can’t even cry properly. I CANNOT MAKE TEH EYE-WATERS! When you go from eating fruit all the time and being happy and energetic, to having to eat junk and then reducing your diet drastically because you can’t hack eating junk, it really does make you feel shite. I napped for an hour today without even realising, and I’m dreading everything. My essay, my exams, my sister’s imminent engagement… God.
It’s 7.30 p.m., and yet again I’ve done nowhere near enough. I feel a desperate cry for help emerging; what will take for sleep to come to me?! I exercise; I try not to eat too late (although I have limited control over that)… what else? It’s hard to avoid stressing, but I don’t even think I’m doing that too much…
Oh well, I have my cousin and The O.C (and Doctor Who, which is back at last!!! And Strictly Dance Fever) to see me through this time. Next time, I’ll be more fun, my dear blog!
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