So... I suppose I should explain the title of this blog. I wish it was interesting or enigmatic. In some ways it is both. I chucked out the name I had in mind after deciding it was just too... too. My bf was asking tersely what name I wanted. Kelly Rowland entered my mind, singing "Get there steppin'!" from Lose My Breath by Destiny's Child.
Kelly Rowland. Lose My Breath. Search me as to how that got there, but hey, why not?
So, I selected that as a name. After choosing it, it entered my mind that this was actually a pretty good name because it expressed a paradox. I mean, the phrase is generally used in a dismissive, slang-y way to tell someone to get going quickly. Kind of like "Get on the bus," which, incidentally, is the title of another Destiny's Child song. However, if you think about it, getting there by stepping wouldn't be at all fast, would it? You'd do better to just walk normally.
"Expressed a paradox." Oh, I know, don't I sound so full of it? But really, I can't help it. Living in a house full of hypocrites and studying mythology, which is apparently full of paradoxes, does that to you. You become bitter, and the realisation of how hard it is to be unique only makes you more unhappy. You want to be truly different by not being a hypocrite. But then, you learn that according to Marx, contradictions are what make progress happen in the world, and some of Freud's blathering about how tender love masks powerful hostile impulses in the unconscious makes horrible sense to you.
From all the intellectual blah, I will progress swiftly to the emo-style whinging. I am not so happy at the moment. Not so happy at all. I'm learning that even though I've liked to talk (a LOT) since childhood when I feel comfortable around people, silence is the only weapon I really have. Silence is like a disembodied voice, and the Internet has given me a body in which to house it. So my blog has appeared. It is rather strange to put what is pretty much a diary on the Web. Still, at least this way it can't be left lying around, and get picked up by a member of my family, or something.
This is my space away from my friends, my family and my boyfriend. I should exploit it to the fullest. That's why I'm rambling on. There's not really any such thing as someone who'll listen attentively to you any more. My cousin is the closest thing I have, but I end up depending on her way too much, which I don't like. I seem to be ironically doomed by a strong desire for independence struggling against an even stronger need for love. That's all kind of love, not just the romantic kind. That's not exactly going well at the moment, though. I recently had a little spate of sadness and confusion over a teacher of mine, whom I think I may have loved.
Before anyone gets het up, it's not what you think. He was a father figure. He encouraged me to write, read my poetry, and critiqued it too. It was somewhat like a whirlwind - he literally just burst into my life for two years, as my sixth form tutor - but what a difference it made. And just like a whirlwind, I could only truly appreciate what had happened after I left. I gave him a book I thought he would like a few days before we left. He looked at it and went: "Aww, that's so sweet. If you weren't a student, I'd hug you." I just stood there, thinking: Hug me! Please! But I smiled and said something insignificant, and went away. And he probably still doesn't even know how much he helped me.
Thus, being funny has never been so difficult, as it is now. For a while, my bf made a big thing of losing his identity, but I think I may have lost mine in the process of trying to restore his. Right now, I'm very odd with him. I'm starting to wonder what he was like when I first ran into him after ages, a long time ago in 2002/3, because I don't remember any more. I know that's really quite sad and horrible. I don't feel good about it either. What drew me to him? What did I admire? Surely I admired his forthrightness and his humour. He hasn't felt up to being funny for a long time though, and his directness can seem just too much. I really don't know why I feel so estranged from him at the moment. It's largely to do with my insecurity, but that excuse doesn't exactly satisfy me. You also get fed up of having to take the blame on yourself all the time - it takes two, after all. I feel recently that if he was my friend, I would have strangled him by now. I'm not on my period either. We've fought a bit - on and off in the past two days, I think.
Yesterday we had a really ridiculous fight (although most of them are). Today we had a 'disagreement,' but it was 'resolved' when I apologised to him twice (for phoning him later than I said I would...). But I don't really feel like it has. Au contraire, I just feel weird and detached from him. I haven't told him I love him once today. And you know what, part of me feels like so what? If I told him that, he would get hurt. But I can't help it - I get fed up of being wrong all the time, and being held back by all the responsibilities everyone wants to chain to my wrists and ankles. It's so good to be able to take things out of a moral context so that they just are. I can be honest without having to worry about other people all the time. Otherwise, it's just like "you're selfish, you're self-obsessed," until eventually, you begin to believe it too.
This is stupid long now, so I'll stop for tonight. Good night, o blog. I hope I sleep for once tonight. Lord knows I need it; Totem and Taboo is killing me very, very slowly.
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