'Juliet' (who also doubles as Anarkali, interestingly enough) is dressed, for some reason, in a bright, salmon-pink gown with big sleeves, with several buttons and a string of beads the exact same colour. Why do I feel that the vintage / boho look (the Indian appropriation of it, nonetheless) was not what Shakespeare would have envisaged in the sixteenth century? She also has a TIARA on - I don't recall her being royalty (even rock royalty! ;-P).
I really wish I could find a link to these adverts... if anyone does, let me know. Anyway, the bulk of my criticism is being reserved for Romeo, who I shall now duly tear into. He's wearing a lilac poet's shirt in some kind of silky material. He has a 'curtains' haircut. He could well pass for a 40-something, and is probably in his late thirties. C'mon now, that's just sad. At least Juliet looks like she could be early twenties! Last but not least, he is one of the ugliest guys I've seen on Indian TV, and that's saying something. They really don't seem to have quite as much of a yen for good-looking, fair-skinned guys as they do for pretty, fair-skinned girls. Funny that...
But Romeo - Romeo has SIDEBURNS and GOOFY TEETH. He also seems to have difficulty with adequate facial expressions (I feel as if he would probably rather gnaw his lower lip - he seems to be fighting the urge to do as such). When Juliet gets cross at him in the second advert (which isn't as bad as the first, but still quite rubbish), he grins in this painful way. PAINFUL, people! As if he's trying to think, but it's hurting him. It probably is, if he has any realisation of just how bad the script is, and it would with a script that utterly shite:
*crappy music that sounds like a very muted choir in the background*
*Romeo appears beneath Juliet's balcony*
*some confusing scuffle of movement takes place in which you could SWEAR that Juliet had just lifted Romeo clean over the balcony - Well, she does look rather stout in that other advert - and that he nearly kicks her in the face while getting down*
ROMEO: Oh, my darling Juliet, this wait is getting more and more painful now! [He seems to slur on 'getting' - have performance pressures pushed him to drink?!] I wonder, when this wait will get over?
Get over? This wait will 'get over'? What, has it broken up with someone? Or is it physically trying to get over a hurdle? Good freakin' grief.
JULIET: [almost breathlessly - clearly she's been waiting a while for this moment...] It's obvious, Romeo - when you book our wedding at the Clay Oven!
[Sappy grins all round, followed by never-more-timely product placement].
Correct me if I'm wrong, but Juliet comes across in Shakespeare's play as quite demure and diligent - she's all eager to marry Whatsisname-the-Nurse-fancies for her parents at one point (OK, so it's acted, but on the whole, she DOES try to keep them happy). She and Romeo have a coy, then tender interaction; not one so painfully fake that you could pick it up and whack your grandmother across the face with it. I myself was so profoundly embarrassed for the scriptwriter that I gawped in stunned amazement the first time I saw it. Then, as it sunk into my brain, I burst out laughing (in horror!). The first time my sister saw it, she went 'Oh my God,' as if physically pained, and irritated, (followed by something I can't remember which has been dubbed over with mumbling in my mind), 'so crap!' This may have been followed by a question as to why they were doing this.
The second advert will now be laid bare for your pleasure, with my mental commentary being interwoven into it:
JULIET: Oh Romeo, where wert thou when thy love Juliet DRANK POISON?!
ME: Sock it to 'im, girl! Er... I mean... did she really say that thy, or was it 'your'?
Eh, she probably just gave up half-way... Oi, referring to yourself in the third person does not make you sound clever, authentic, or Elizabethan.
She is looking well for someone who just 'drank poison' and had to pretend to be dead for several hours...
Since when was Juliet the voice of Romeo's conscience? Quite a creepy development if you ask me...
If Romeo looked like that, why would you wait so long for him anyway?! I'd marry the other guy, love!
ROMEO: [gazing geekily upwards with the same expression from the first advert - so geeky it's unforgivable. Is he on Prozac?!] Oh, my darling Juliet, [grrr!] I was busy! Planning our wedding at the Clay Oven.
[Juliet grins with relief] - Why?! She's getting married to Sideburns Central!
Since all this will no doubt be getting to you as much as it got to me (:-P), I'm now going to tell you of a way to cheer yourself up during outbreaks of level-5 cabin fever, Post-Cacky-Advert-Traumatism-Syndrome, or just of good, plain ol' insanity.
Changing the words to songs in your head! What else did you think I would say? This is best done with songs you don't like - I mean, with so many forgettable bubblegum tunes, your new words can craft a masterpiece instead of the usual collage of "baby" "uhh" "love" "need," etc. I decided to do this to I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys, because I realised it had infiltrated my brain at a time when I was defenceless (i.e., just woken up).
So. This is how the new version would go:
NICK: Sell me limes -
THE OTHER 'BOYS': Ain't nothing but a cheesecake...
NICK: [upping the intensity] ... sell me limes!
THE OTHER 'BOYS': [hot on his tail] Ain't nothing but a cheesecake!
NICK: [about to burst a lung] SEELLL ME LY-EEMES!
ALL THE 'BOYS': And I never want to hear you say! I baked it that a-way...
As Georgia Nicholson would say, cheers, thanks, goodnight!
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