And All That I Sought

And All That I Sought

The awkwardness, beating against me

Like the screech of nails on blackboard, assaults my eardrums,

My cheeks are rosying with discomfort, I’m warming

All over –

And all that I sought was to be free!

To be naked figuratively, open, accepting –

And yet, not passive; a Lady Godiva of defiance,

Not this gauche restriction.

How my lips, coy, trip me with

Their sweet, speedy nonsensical ream!

I’m knitting a coffin of speech

For my self-respect,

For the more elaborate notions hidden

So promisingly, like DVD Easter-eggs

A compass without a needle,

A mass of fluid rushing madly

Without an inherent logic.

Failing repeatedly to tie

Mind and expression, I condemn

Myself to the harshest judgements

Until the praise falls upon me like

The guillotine’s blade slicing away

Silvery layers of self-assurance

Built with a silver tongue and bullshit

Made of concrete. How little

Is needed for the foundations of life,

Of years to fall away! As shame flames

And smoulders into regret,

In time leaving nothing but a

Sorry orphan of lesson learnt; the

Shivering flesh, the inarticulate screams

Of a baby.

© myself.