This blog was supposed to stop being quite so personal, but when needs must, needs must. Right now, the rain pours lushly outside my window and I am listening to it and feeling quite deranged. We have had a poor excuse for a summer, all overcast skies and thick, grey humidity. The sunny spells feel like an accident, not the underpinning they should be. If God is up there somewhere, he, she or it is having a larf right now.
Despite this, rain does not make me feel like it perhaps should. Listening to it makes me feel happy, like travelling far away. It makes me think of jewel-bright grass, growing thick and healthy and hazy golden-yellow sunshine that slides in to make everything steam alluringly. In short, I'm thinking of the kind of post-monsoon footage you get on BBC documentaries about wildlife an' shit.
I have seriously gone downhill since coming back from France to discover I had even less friends than I thought I would. I long for equals or betters, but when I encounter such people, I am not worthy of them. If anyone reads this (and hopefully they WON'T), I don't want pity or sympathy, just to indulge in near-Catholic self-flagellation. Why? Why do people terrify me? Why do I freeze with fear at the thought of a sustained conversation?
I thought I have moved on considerably from the past; it would appear that this is very much not the case. I don't know where I should turn now. A big part of me wants to become a recluse. Whenever I meet people, I often have the feeling of having been suddenly put on trial; my every shake and sweat-drop will be held up as evidence against me and my reputation hinges on first impressions. Except that my shattered nerves betray me, and then I make a fool of myself.
My worth as a person should not come from how other people see me. Among a certain group of people, I am all belligerence and rebellion, positing this arrogantly. Yet among people whose opinions I care about, their approval is all I seek. I find myself needing to please almost desperately. I haven't 'moved on' at all - simply displaced my need to please from one group to another.
On a side note, my hands are getting worse and worse. It's only a matter of time until I make them bleed.
I just don't know what to do with myself, as the song goes.
Cassius - Foals. La seule chose qui me comprend en ce moment.
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