The Family Barbecue...

It was today, and as I'd feared, ended with some sort of unpleasantness for me. However, it really wasn't as expected. What I learnt from this barbecue was:

a) If someone hisses to me 'Serve them! Serve your brother-in-laws first!', whilst said brothers-in-law are busy operating the BBQ and in no position to be served, I will wander about like a lost sheepdog, unable to function.
b) I'm rubbish at serving without being prompted as to what to do. Even my father has more of a clue on how to treat guests than me. Of course, the reason I'm not as military-level trained as my cousin in these matters could be because:
- unlike her, I don't enjoy domestic duties. Terrible though it sounds, we're kind of like two female stereotypes: she's the academically struggling, practically-gifted obedient elder daughter who has grace and femininity and everything an Indian mother/mother-in-law could want. Whereas I am the nerdy, lofty-discussion-loving 'intellectual' who freezes at the sight of women carrying full dishes out to the table, uncertain of my place in the pecking order.
- the assignment of duties in these situations pisses me off so much that I have to fight off a giant mushroom-cloud of resentment everywhere I turn, thereby leaving little brain-space (or will) to do as I'm told.
c) I seem to be drifting apart from my cousin.


These kinds of situations are like a bitch-gift for me. There's SO MUCH I can lay into. However, let me begin by saying that I was really prepared to try today. I even spent the day helping my mum, mostly doing the cleaning and stuff while she cooked. I also helped out with chopping and stuff when my sisters arrived to get food ready (we had a lot of back-up dishes in case the weather let us down as well as the things to be grilled).

Everything started to go wrong when it came to laying the table and so forth. I was already a bit annoyed that all the women and girls immediately engaged themselves in the kitchen, while the boys were allowed to play Wii and the men, to talk. So, the table was laid (in the garden), the men crowded around the BBQ and, er... what next? I sat down and stared into space while my cousin slunk about with our camera, snapping all and sundry. That was when situation a) (see above!) came into play. My mother managed to shake my two Jijs free from the barbie and make them sit down.

Immediately, my eldest sister and then the younger one had the market cornered in 'serving the men.' I stood, watching helplessly, proving that I was 'too slow' at anything. I think that in reality, I was aghast. Eventually, my second sister got me to serve some things, muttering directions to me as if it were Fort Boyard. I got to eat before too long, (before my sisters and mum), feeling guilty for it and then feeling like a failure as my cousin effortlessly responded to every slightest hint of a demand before I had even grasped its meaning fully in my head.

I managed to compensate for this a little by taking everyone's dishes in after they'd eaten (repeatedly) and offering Oreos around (though I had to be told again). My mood was getting worse and worse. I hated the way my brothers-in-law went 'Well, go on then' (although to be fair, it was more one than the other) and such things as if they were being pushed to eat more and more. I hated the way we had to put them first in every situation, to make them feel their importance, that we were acknowledging their importance. I hated the way ALL the men sat there in front of the loaded table, WAITING TO BE SERVED.

This is something I find really disgusting in the subservience we get programmed into us. It is not enough for us to clean, cook and then set out the food to be eaten, all while offering the pre-meal drinks and snacks (we also have to 'socialise' before, during and after this). No, we have to pretty much PUT THE FUCKING FOOD into the men's mouths as well, as if they are baby birds and we are their mothers. The older men, I can slightly comprehend a little (especially my dad, since he still can't see properly), since they have grown accustomed to this after years and years of it. Yet seeing men 30 years their junior sitting there, expecting the same? It's a bald depiction of how little has changed for those of us who have grown up even in this country, where things are supposed to be better.

I'm sorry, but I am NOT OK with it. It makes me angry, and then what makes me feel even more hurt and alone is that nobody else sees it. As far the other females are concerned, I'm simply not quite up to scratch as one of them. Even if I could accept the notion that women should do most/all of the cooking for the practical reason that mothers don't generally teach sons how to cook, how the fuck can I accept that these boys can't even serve themselves? If a man does serve himself, you will get in trouble for having put him in that position afterwards. To add insult to injury, you're supposed to act all happy and have a smile on your face all the way through... once you've done all there is to do (which never happens), you have to 'entertain' your guests somehow (the 'socialising' I was talking about earlier).

The reason we are made to act this way with my brothers-in-law is so that they don't take any grievances they might have out on my sisters afterwards. Look at that sentence and think about what it means. Two men have the power to bring a WHOLE FAMILY to their knees because of their emotional immaturity, not just their wives! 'They are guests,' my mum told me, as if that explained everything. Right, but she told me my sisters were guests too, and yet their work was hardly unduly questioned or condemned. Apparently my younger sister's husband has moaned about that before, but I don't think he's doing it to be considerate, more to show implicitly that her family are crapper than his, so she always has to help them...

Then, my eldest sister made me the present of... a cuddly toy. With all this racing through my mind, and the memory of the previous, similarly-childish gifts she's got me (a Rugrats writing set when I was 16 or 17? A 'make jewellery from beads' set (the sort 8-year-old girls love) for my 20th?), my face fell. I couldn't take any more. I couldn't pretend I was happy with this. My brother got a 'Singh: 10' Man U shirt and was absolutely ecstatic.

I felt a bit guilty after that, because my sister then told me she'd booked me a massage at her gym, then said I could have the money instead if I preferred. I opted for the money, since I need all I can get right now. Everyone eventually shifted indoors and the dull, obvious patterns re-emerged: boys playing Wii, my cousin fiddling with her handbag, men talking about religion and the women in the kitchen AGAIN. My cousin and I had nothing to say to one another. Fed up, I went upstairs and went on the Internet.

After what seemed like forever, I went down, only to discover my mum was about to call me, because all the women had somehow ended up talking about my little cousin sister, after her mum looked through wedding pictures with her in and started crying. Great. My mum made me feel guilty, reminding me that the anniversary of her death is next month, and my cousin (her older sister) made me feel stupid when I asked if there had been crying.

Then, my mum accused me of being jealous because she saw my face sour when I got the cuddly toy and made me feel double guilty by saying I had hurt my sister's feelings by not thanking her and showing that I didn't like her gift, and saying that I should appreciate it because she didn't have to get me anything. I tried to make up for this before she left, by thanking her as genuinely as I could. Afterwards, I tried to explain the babyish gift thing to my mum, because I couldn't exactly tell my sister, could I? I tried to say that I WASN'T expecting anything, that I never ask for anything and therefore that it was a bit of let-down. I didn't want her to think I was an ingrate - it's just that when it initially seemed like I was getting a soft toy while my brother got the latest Man U shirt, you can kind of get how it felt. Plus there was the babying element.

What I really wanted to say was: 'Look, of course I appreciate the thought behind this. It's just the gift itself - if she was going to get me yet another babyish thing, which makes me feel even more unable to talk to her, she could have just saved herself the trouble, because I don't ever ask for gifts anyway. Thank you, but you REALLY shouldn't have, especially since you already gave me money and then gave me more money.'

Is that ungrateful? I have my problems with my sister, but I'm not made of stone. I hate that this happens, that I end up looking a certain way because I CAN'T OPEN UP TO ANYONE. I'm not selfish, I'm not evil, I'm just not what you expect. I'm sorry.

Recommended reading from the ever-excellent F-Word.

The best fucking song on the face o' this planet as far as I'm concerned (right now). And how classy is the video, too? Eat your heart out, Pussycat Dolls and all you other pathetic excuses for American girlbands currently around!