A Liberal Conspiracy You Can Believe In...

Once upon a time in America, there lurked an association of people (mostly fairly old white men), called the Republican Party. They were also referred to by all and sundry as the 'Grand Old Party,' or GOP, an appellation perhaps harking back to the good ol' halcyon days when they were considered a 'progressive' party (the year 1854, to be exact).

Now, this political 'party' had a problem, not least that it had only lived up to the second of those two words in the sense of creating free-reigning havoc by pushing a monkey disguised as a Bush to be the 'Leader of The Free World.'

Actually, wait, dear readers. This was after all the problem. However, for the 'party', the problem was not that Curious George had been their (highly visible) figurehead. The problem was that Ye Great American Public - upon whom they relied to do the essential job of generally not voting, watching FOX News for a thorough and shamelessly one-sided view of current affairs and having trouble with anyone not of a 'wheatish' complexion leading the country - had noticed.

Yes, 'Joe' and 'Jane' Public had finally decided for whatever reason (probably something to do with the economy) that after near eight years of the cheerful chimp, that they just couldn't take it any more. The GOP's rivals, the Democrats (or the Dumb-o-craps, as some of the wittier 'party' members were wont to term them) were gaining in popularity. Furthermore, God seemed to have taken their side.

How? God had sent a white-toothed, symmetrically-headed charismatic figure called The Obamamessiah to their rescue. The Repubs realised they were in trouble. So one day, they headed to the shores of the Pacific Ocean and summoned up the spirit of Old Man McCain.

Old Man McCain was a famous chip- and general frozen-food-product maker who had died suddenly after inhaling a new type of chip made with the SKIN of the potato in. His tragic death had gone relatively unnoticed... and it was this that the Repubs could now put to use.

Hiring a 'diverse' cast of trained actors (including a former drug-addict turned stay-at-home 'mom' and an attractive young blonde blogger, as well as a former Bangladeshi orphan), the jig was set. 'John' McCain, as he was now known, began to fight back for the GOP, all the while claiming to be a maverick. His myriad shifts in political stance were facilitated by the fact that his head was composed entirely of ectoplasm, and extremely sensitive to changes in temperature and humidity. He even claimed to be a 'war veteran', conveniently harking back to the days when he had actually been alive.

However, the Obamamessiah managed to hold his own despite all of this... and even struck back at accusations of political inexperience by picking a man named Joe Biden as his would-be vice-president. The GOP were now decidely uneasy. 'John McCain' was being derided as being 'not that much of a maverick' and 'frankly quite like his chimpy master' and fears abounded that he would die if he became President (YGAP being unaware that he was in fact already dead; a mere ghost, and at other times, a conveniently-placed hologram with a voice-actor hidden somewhere in the background - or shouting out from a tape recorder).

'John' on his own was not going to do it. What could the GOP do, particularly to woo their evangelical Christian fans who had smelled a rat over JM's 'maverick' (undead) tendencies?

Upon the aftermath of a particularly well-received speech by the Obamamessiah, the GOP took direct action. It was then that 'Sarah Palin' was unveiled as JM's vice-presidential nominee.

This expertly-engineered android was set up to be pro-guns, pro-religion and pro-teaching creationism in schools, as well as pro-life all while purporting to be a 'feminist' and 'a reformer'. She came pre-programmed with an obscure career as the governer of Alaska (complete with 80% approval ratings), a husband who worked for BP and five children, including one who had Down's syndrome. To top it all off, she had been carefully crafted in order to reflect her claims of being a 'former beauty queen' with convenient photogenicity.

Rubbing their hands together with glee, the GOP unleashed the Sarah-bot alongside Old Man McCain. What they could certainly not have foreseen was that parts of the robot's programming would begin to fray and malfunction almost instantly; when her 'daughter' was revealed to be five months pregnant, for instance, or when her anti-corruption reputation was weakened by allegations of using her influence to get her 'sister's' ex fired.

However, their scientists had had enough. 'Let it go, would you?' they cried. 'You've already got us working to death on finding proof that global warming is ABSOLUTELY and exclusively the fault of Ma Nature and NOBODY ELSE!'

Old Man McCain stood silhouetted against the sky. (The silhouette actually turned out to be that of the voice-actor who voiced his hologram). He raised his gooey fist to the sky.

'If only those darn rednecks had got the job right!'

The voice actor blinked. 'Hey Mr. McCain... don't stress too much. I'm sure the Sarah-droid's coverage will be dried up long before November. Just think, after that you can have the Viking sea burial you've always craved.'

Old Man looked at him. 'Really? You think?' he asked, his voice cracking.

The voice actor shook his head. 'Sure. And hey - if Sarah doesn't work out, you can always just get the GOP to loan her out to the BBC to star in the new series of Doctor Who. I hear it's the most-recorded programme in England. That's got to count for something, right?'