(Apologies to readers of a more delicate disposition, but Nietzsche and I have been involved in a power-struggle through the course of the First Essay of his On The Genealogy of Morals. Yesterday got so bad that I actually had to just put the book down and step away from it for hours to stop my poor brain bleeding. This then resulted in a dear friend and I making a list of, as I put it, 'the shake-'n'-slap writers.' These are writers who, after you've wrestled sufficiently with them, give you the hearty desire to meet them so that you can shake their hand and then bitch-slap them, all the while perhaps crying about how they've simultaneously changed/ruined your life (we got Shakespeare, Graham Greene, Nietzsche and Freud before it was time for bed...).
Anyway, this same friend commented on a story that the F-word brought to my attention. I strongly recommend going to read it, as you won't really be able to appreciate any of what follows otherwise. I posted this on Facebook, commenting:
Fucking ridiculous that as always, one person can wield this much power despite 98 others being satisfied. What fucking bollocks. I'm not going to go around singing the praises of that time of the month, but honestly.
and then my friend replied saying:
Dude. I totally agree with the decision to withdraw the tampon thing. I mean it's one thing to say on stage 'Ew a blood soaked tampon' but another thing to pull one out. Even a fake. It's like you wouldn't want to see someone pretending to do a shit on stage. I'm all for artistic whatever but i don't agree with people being disgusting for the sake of controversial art. And you know that this comes from a real and natural place as I'm the type of person to say 'I'm on ladies, and only telling you on the off chance I faint or something'.
I love my friend and what she has to say is totally fair - yet I must say, I'm sorry but I think that's bollocks. It would help if I could see the offending scene on YouTube or whatever, but I'm assuming it was a brief scene with the tampon, and not some lingering appraisal.
I wouldn't want to see someone doing a shit on stage, no, but if it were to happen once and be part of the story - much as was the case here, because it was a play about daughters, and girls growing up - deal the fuck with it. I'm really not a fan of the excessive-secrecy approach. Especially over a thing like this - we girls have enough to worry about as it is without having to feel like disgusting freaks if some evidence of this biological difference emerges between us and men. My mother was always hyper-uptight about any evidence WHATSOEVER - even washed knickers which had been put out to dry - being happened upon my brother and dad, which only made me angrier about the state of affairs.
I mean, what the fuck? Sex used to be a lot more taboo than it is now (some aspects of it still are in all fairness), and then it came into the public eye more and guess what? We're all still here. The world hasn't ended! It's surprising to me, as always, that I should be the one defending things like this as I used to think I was quite influenced by the somewhat traditional and 'follower' style of thinking of my family. Maybe not, eh?
I tried to think of an equivalent part of the male development experience, and I drew a blank... until I thought of voices breaking (not really as big a deal), spontaneous erections (since they entered the coming-of-age and comedy genres, not quite as offensive as periods) and finally I hit 'bingo'... with masturbation.
We all know boys do it, and even those of us that it is a big shock for (like me, I honestly had no idea that they did until I was 19...) generally accept that y'know, that's how it is. That isn't to say that it's acceptable - masturbation is still an object of huge shame and guilt, especially on the religious front. There is so much to say here (the problems arising from porn and the images of sex it presents to boys and girls, for one?) but again: GET OVER IT. Especially you, America. As porn providers par excellence to the world, you REALLY don't have a leg to stand on. Although I suppose that as a country whose identity was founded upon ideas like 'Manifest Destiny', you were always going to be fucked from the start (pun entirely unintentional). And finally, just to get all feminist-in-your-face and point out how female sexuality and sexual development in particular are once again being vilified, let's think about the attitudes towards female masturbation (and then not go there just yet, because I still have lots to say).
To summarise: girls and women have periods. We go through hormonal changes, it is disgusting and unpleasant. It's also a fundamental part of female sexual/physical development. So, get over it world, and we'll try not to wave our dirty laundry at you too much in return (pun intentional this time.)
So... that is over, and now I must take to task a dickwad by the screen-name of 'Ashik'. Mon copain Rumbold recently posted a short article on Pickled Politics, publicising a new 'honour'-based violence helpline. Some interesting facts were gleaned through the setting-up of this project - like the fact that 71% of the mostly-female callers considered immediate family more of a threat than their actual husbands. 'Ashik' - who provoked the wrath of myself and a fair few others when he posted personal information about Sonia, a deservedly-beloved regular, on another thread - had this to say:
WHAT PURE, UNADULTERATED BOLLOCKS. What the hell is he on about? If he knew anything at all about Karma Nirvana or Jasvinder Sanghera (he could at least read her book, Shame, which lays out what she aims for with KN), he would know that one of their aims is not just helping women in 'honour' situations, but also in helping them - and elderly women - of South Asian descent who cannot speak English, to get by. If that isn't 'liasing with communities' even in the least, then I don't know what is.
'... the fact is they tend to sensationalise sensitive issues like arranged marriages (not to be confused with forced marriages)'
Sorry Ass-kick, but unfortunately in a lot of cases, the line is pretty blurred between those two categories (as it was in JS's own case!) and so people rightly condemn both, which obviously doesn't go down well in your little two-tone world.
'While a 17 year-old girl (whether Asian or not) should not be forced to marry, equally given her tender age she shouldn’t be encouraged to form a relationship and elope. Especially if the partner is considered unsuitable. She will have need for extended family support. How often does a relationship formed at 17 last?'
This actually cracked me up, as it reveals a lot of poor ol' Ass-kick's mindset. 'If we don't marry our daughters off early and police their relationships, they might fall in love at 17 and elope! What will we do then?'
Er... and then again, they might not? (And what is his obsession with the age 17 anyway?!) I really hope, judging by all of that, that Ass-kick never has daughters. In fact, I think any children of his deserve all the pity they can get for having such a close-minded father *shudders*.
It really irks me when men get all defensive about something that is actually not really that much about them (as I and the likes of Sonia and Desi Italiana have said before, it's much more likely to be the older women who police the younger ones' relationships), and then turn it into a 'community issue,' subsequently colouring any critique in terms of a betrayal of that community. Look, you fuckers, if these women have suffered, they are going to speak out and so they bloody well should. Doing so does not make their efforts to change things 'an alien implant'.
It is things like this that force communities to change - I mean hello, since when were large groups of people ever progressive and contemplative about their actions?! The 'herd-instinct' has those connotations for a reason. Essentially saying 'the communities should be allowed to deal with it themselves':
'If one keeps on running to the (often rightwing) media and mouthing off and entire communities are associated only with oppressing women, forced marriages and family violence then this colours these communities ability to tackle these problems.'
(apologist, apologist, communitarian apologist!)
is BS, and here's why.
I'm off now, because I don't want to altogether lose the high I have from dating the most WONDERFUL person (who isn't Indian - watch out Ass-kick, I might be an 'alien implant' too!) to stress and Mr. Ass-kick Dickwad. As Nellie McKay would say, 'sari' for my language... ;-)
P.S.: I see that Ass-kick has already been taken to task by Don and my awesome new blogging pal, Andy Gilmour. Go go Gilmour! *waves a Scottish flag* Haha.
AND JUST TO REITERATE, THE HELPLINE NUMBER FOR 'HONOUR'-BASED VIOLENCE VICTIMS IS: 0800 5999 247
Remember, there's only so much 'the authorities' can do - people need to put their cojones to some use and blow the whistle to stop cases like that of Banaz Mahmod from re-occurring.
I’m not sure what role groups like Karma Nirvana and individuals like Sanghera can play in stopping honour-based violence amongst ethnic minorities in the UK. Although they can certainly provide advice to individual victims.
Sanghera and her like tend to be viewed with suspicion by these minority communities because they tend to be supported by the authorities and the fact is they tend to sensationalise sensitive issues like arranged marriages (not to be confused with forced marriages) and have often too accommodating a view on inter-racial and religious relationships. If one keeps on running to the (often rightwing) media and mouthing off and entire communities are associated only with oppressing women, forced marriages and family violence then this colours these communities ability to tackle these problems. That’s not say that minority communities shouldn’t admit and talk about the problem, as Halima has indicated domestic violence amongst the wider community is in many ways akin to honour-crimes. This shouldn’t be about attacking a section of the community but sincere attempts at dialogue need to be made. This means liaising with mosques, churches, Gurdwaras and other community centres which reach into target communities rather than alien implants like Karma Nirvana, even if they are staffed by Asians.
While a 17 year-old girl (whether Asian or not) should not be forced to marry, equally given her tender age she shouldn’t be encouraged to form a relationship and elope. Especially if the partner is considered unsuitable. She will have need for extended family support. How often does a relationship formed at 17 last?